Demonstrating respect is an issue that comes up time and time again in my work with couples. Often, both men and women feel that respect for what is important to them is a missing element in their relationship. It is a crucial element that divides and separates them. In many cases, couples cannot even agree on what respect is, and how it should be expressed.
As a life and relationship coach and psychotherapist I have worked with more than 100 troubled couples who find themselves in unsatisfying relationships. I have heard their deep pain and frustration. What those couples had not yet learned is that respect exists in a relationship when each person makes a commitment to honor his or her partner?s needs on many levels that include mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. This is especially difficult when a partner?s expressed values and needs are extremely different from his or her own.
If learning to respect each other?s needs sounds like a challenging task, it often is. All good relationships require effort, attention, and an abiding commitment to making it work. If you love and are committed to your partner ,you can learn how to make your relationship actively, openly, lovingly respectful. Here are some suggestions about how you can increase the level of mutual respect in your relationship. Know yourself. If you are not clear about your needs, how can expect a partner to know how to support you? It is your responsibility to learn to meet many of your own needs as much as possible. Ask yourself, ?What do I need emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally in order to live a happy, healthy life?? Do you need to exercise every day? Do you need the mental stimulation of academic or adult education classes? Do you need physical affection or only verbal affection to feel loved? Do you need time alone for meditation or reflection? Be rigorously honest in your needs assessment.
Ask your partner to think
as thoroughly about his or her own needs.
Write down both your needs and share them with each other. Discuss them in a neutral, non-accusatory manner.
Brainstorm together. How will you meet your own needs? How will each help the other to meet his or her needs? Be specific.
Verbally express your commitment to meeting each other?s needs.
Never demean your partner?s thoughts or feelings by saying things like ?You?re silly to feel that way!? or ?It?s ridiculous to think like that!? Demonstrating respect means honoring what is important to your loved one even if it makes no sense to you (of course this excludes anything that is harmful to either).
Practice reflective listening. Repeat what you think your partner is saying: ?You?re saying that you want to spend Saturday nights out just the two of us ? not with other couples?? Share in and support your loved one?s struggles. For example, if your partner is shy in social situations, discuss how you can make him or her feel more comfortable.
Search together for the deeper meanings. Tension around small issues is often reflective of deeper ones. Example: if you have to remind your partner to walk the dog everyday, and you feel frustrated and annoyed about it, look at the possible deeper issue ? having to be the ?reminder? makes you feel like a parent to your spouse rather than his or her adult partner which can then fuel a sense of disrespect. In my view, nothing is more difficult or challenging, or more rewarding for couples, than learning to develop and continually cultivate a satisfying relationship. Based in Rockport, life and relationship coach Susan Britt, M.Ed., a psychotherapist and former university director of career and counseling services, teaches individuals, couples and families to resolve relationship conflicts, achieve life and career goals, and accelerate personal growth. Questions and comments may be addressed to susanbritt1@verizon.net or 978-546-9431.
Source: http://www.saintjohnlonghorns.com/2012/09/14/mutual-respect-is-cornerstone-of-all-relationships/
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